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      GET专栏    
    2017写作大赛议论文佳作展示 | Live Poorly, Live Wonderfully
    2018-01-02 10:39   审核人:

    各位小仙女们,新年快乐!回顾刚刚过去的2个月,小仙女们可谓“历劫重重”,先后经历了“双十一”、“黑五”、“双十二”以及12月末的“双旦”……大家剁手剁得可还开心尽兴?你们的钱包还好吗?

    不少剁手党们表示购物使我快乐,但有位“外研社杯”写作决赛选手提出了不一样的观点:Live Poorly, Live Wonderfully!一起来看他如何诠释这一观点吧~


    先来回顾下赛题

    议论文赛题

    Write an essay in response to the passage below. You should discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the passage and explain your reasons for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the author’s opinion might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position. You should write about 800 words.

    Have you realized that living simply can make life less stressful and more fulfilling? By getting rid of all but the essentials, choosing to eliminate clutter and chaos, and spending time only on what is important to us, we have more freedom to live and improve.

     

    Human beings go astray when they move away from simple living. We are not aware that we have been trapped in the complexity and excess of the modern world. Think about this. Are we as happy as we thought we'd be when we finally possess the many things we wanted? Are we more productive when we are surrounded by numerous inventions and luxuries? Do we have more time for our loved ones when we are chasing more possessions? I doubt it entirely.

     

    Yes, I am embracing a minimalist lifestyle, a voluntary "poverty" if you like to call it. Get rid of the excess of life and acquire self-fulfillment and inner joy, before it is too late.


    选手破题思路

    庄铭煜

    安徽农业大学

    2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛一等奖

    (指导老师:颜志蓉老师)

    首先看到题中的三个排比问句,我不禁联想到现在的年轻一代,他们中有不少人终日忙忙碌碌,追求物质上的富足,却忽略了生活原有的本质。以此为思路,我从当代年轻人的角度出发,来思考倘若我们活得简单些,生活会有什么变化。想到这里我便确立了三个分论点来进行逐一论述。

     

    通篇我大部分使用反面论述来凸显简单生活的重要性。第一个分论点的例子确认为:日本经济富裕,但日本也是年轻人自杀率最高的国家。经简单过渡之后,我想到了自己一直以来向往的生活:在午后呷一口茶,品一本书,享受生活的乐趣。由此出发,我简略想象了一下在简单生活之后,我们的生活会有什么样的变化,来与追求物质的生活进行对比。论述自身变化后,我也顺利过渡到论述对周围人,尤其给家人所带来的影响。通过自身和他人的结合,更加突出简单生活的重要性。

     

    由于比赛的时间较紧张,没有多余的时间检查,拼写有不少错误,而且例证较少,这也是我以后需要改进的。

    选手作品展示

    为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌,文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品,仅供学习分享使用。


    Live Poorly, Live Wonderfully

    What today's generation is confronted with is infinite pursuit of material abundance, who wants opulent money, magnificent success of career as well as the good reputation and respect. Nonetheless, in the process of chasing fame and money, we will feel backbreaking and gradually lose one's true self. Thus, I consent to that we are ought to dwell simply, for we are more adjacent to happiness, are inclined to becoming a better self and spare more time on our beloved ones.


    To begin with, provided that we attach less significance to the materials of life and live simply, we are more apt to reaching happiness. When asked what is the symbol of happiness, one may say endless dough which can be utilized to purchase whatever he are avid for. It is the rudimentary principle ingrained deeply in the mind of our generation.  Indubitably, money can buy everything, but there exists another saying," Money can not buy happiness." Hence, if we stick to the stereotype that all we do is to make unremitting efforts to earn much money as we can, we are spurious. Concurrently, we have to burden the societal burdens hither and thither, deal with the relationship meticulously and countenance the family incessantly, which all make us feel dog-tired and prosaic about the life. It is best illustrated by the phenomenon in Japan. What is ubiquitous us is that Japan is a highly developed country which has high income and per capital GDP. Citizens dwelling here have no apprehension on the sufficient materials. But what obfuscates us is that Japan is the country with the highest suicide percentage and people here do not feel happy any more. When delving in it deeper, it is facile to discover that they have no choice but to endeavor in all-around facets, otherwise they will be on the verge of unemployment. The more money they earn, the more they are abominable to life, which may be the reason why they perpetrate suicide. Thus, why must we persist in the pursuit of money? It is high time that we ceased such a way of life and embraced the brand-new "indigent" life. A more prominent prospect is awaiting us.

     

    Not only will we acquire happiness after relinquishing the pursuit of superfluous materials, but also we are more likely to meet a better self. A improved self is waving us in the near future once we allege that I am done with such a humdrum life imbued with possessions and complexities. The constraint on us is money and other sophisticated factors around us, which narrow our horizons, rivet our inestimable time and break down our health. We are just mundane people and have limited strength, who are unable to summon another of us to complete the self-amelioration. What should be conspicuous to us is that we live for ourselves and should pay more heeds to the enhancement of inner selves. So why don't we renounce such way of life, sit down, take a book, sip tea and embark on the journey of improving the inner self. By doing so, I firmly believe that we can make full use of the time and vitality to realize the dreams we aspire for, love the person who we are timorous to chase after and be a better self without rues.

     

    Apart from the advantageous facet like happiness and a better self, we are more disposed to spend more time with our families and those who we love. Ultimately, by forsaking the desire for money, we are more easily to recoup the love from families and lovers. As our love become greater to the money, we will definitely become estranged to the families and lovers. The time we spend on them is dwindling away, and the conflicts as well as alienation slowly emerge lurkingly. As long as we eliminate the idea of earning more money and understand the significance of them, we can retrieve the love and acquire their accompany for evermore.

     

    It is argued that why the impoverished always envy for the rich if the materials are so tiny. What we must admit is that the deluxe life is extremely riveting and that is why so many people chasse after it without considering the results. Nevertheless, what we can not disavow is that all these are just seeming and displayed by the rich. The despair, boredom and conflicts are all been hidden away in the dark, which is why we see more true happiness from the picture of the merry complexion of the austere mother and son instead of the elated successful businessman.

     

    In a nutshell, as we tend to live simply and consider less about the money or possessions, we will live a happy life, become a better one and love more for our loved ones. Life should have been like this. And in this way, a more splendid future full of wonders is on the way.



    名师点评

    邓鹂鸣老师

    武汉大学珞珈特聘教授,博士生导师,外国语言研究所所长,香港城市大学博士,中国英语写作教学与研究专业委员会副会长,中国学术英语教学与研究协会常务理事,国内外多家学术期刊评审;主要研究方向为语篇学、二语写作教学、学术写作、专门用途英语;主持国家社科基金项目2项及教育部人文社科项目等多项;发表SSCI、CSSCI等研究论文60余篇。

    此篇参赛习作围绕“人们应当过简朴生活”的中心论点展开论述,全文由六个自然段组成,总体结构清晰,包括引言、主体及结论三大部分。

     

    引言部分为第一自然段,作者通过对现代社会人们无休无止过度追求物质生活而导致的个人痛苦及自我缺失背景的阐述,合理导出了全文拟论证的主题句(thesis statement):“Simple living can make a person more likely to be happy, to be a better self, and love more the beloved ones.”引言首先针对主题提供相应的背景信息,并直截了当地提出全文的主题句,切合英语议论文开头部分的要点

     

    中间主体部分由第二至第五自然段构成,此部分为全文论证的重心,作者合情合理地将全文的主题句一分为三,分别从三个层面阐述了在现代社会人们过简朴生活的必要性,尤其针对“金钱/物质富足买不来幸福”的个人主张,以发达富裕的日本人日趋自杀颓废的普象为例证(exemplification),有力说服读者,加大了论证力度,突出了全文中心论点;中间拓展部分作者并未一味阐述自己观点,而是在阐述自己主要观点的同时于第五自然段有意将反方(the opponent)的观点纳入考虑并进行论证,很好地把握了议论文的基本体裁特征,论证切合主题,合乎逻辑。

     

    第六自然段为全文的结论部分,作者针对全文的重要论点进一步概括和强调,并予以预示,凸显了英语议论文结论的要点。

     

    总体而言,全文标题简洁到位,体裁恰当,布局合理,观点分明,中心突出,论证富有条理,例证典型,语言表述流畅,词汇十分丰富,措辞精当,句式灵活,尽管文中不乏瑕疵,仍不失为一篇优秀的议论文佳作!

     

    具体不足在于:句法使用不够准确,譬如,引言段中的“are ought to/ are inclined to becoming”,应为:“ ought to/ are inclined to become…”;此外,文中出现好几处单词拼写错误。


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